2013: The End of an Era (Catharsis, be my valentine)

So, you're wondering about the title? What I mean is the end of an era of emotional pain and suffering. In real life, not on screen. No worries.

Between 2010 and 2013 I had a lot of suck¹ happening in my life. Those three years were like a crash-course in hard knocks. What my mother calls, "An abrupt loss of innocence". I experienced a personal loss. I ended a long relationship. And my dad got sick, and suddenly I was entirely responsible for him.². In February of this year, my father died. Now I'm learning to live with my 50% chance of not going out like a zombie far before my time. Thanks, genetics. Hooray to living on the edge! Every day is a gift! Yay!

But there's good news: people heal, and they actually have a bottomless pit of innocence, and strength, left if they know how to look for it, deep inside. Artists need their innocence, believe me. It's there, I looked for it and found it. Pure magic.

Between those years a lot of great things also happened, namely that my output as a filmmaker has been exponential, or at least it feels that way. The production company, in which I'm a partner, is going strong and we're making new movies all the time. I'm actually able to make the films I want to, with little compromise. Seriously? Yes. This is the most awesome thing ever, short of actually having lots of money to produce those films.

He meows like a tiny dinosaur. I'm not kidding.

This year Dead But Dreaming had its theatrical run and pre-release, I had a great interview published in Fangoria Magazine, lots of interviews in other magazines and blogs, traveled from coast to coast, went to the PollyGrind Film Festival³ with Barbazul, met some great people, had good times with old friends, a fantastic time with a new friend, helped out my mom with lots of manual labor, shot about 2/3 of my fourth film as director, Olalla, ran a pretty successful IndieGoGo campaign to raise funds for the other 1/3 of Olalla, and now have a distribution deal in the works for all of the films. And last, but not least, I found a very cute kitten in my garden, named Mitsou, after the Balthus drawings. When I only focus on the positive, it was a complete and utter blast.

Look at all the pretty awards!

On Saturday the 21st, I threw a party for much of the cast and crew of Olalla. We celebrated the Solstice (at least I did, having been raised by a pagan goddess (my mother)), and we found out at 6PM PST that we won a huge amount of lovely awards from The Beverly Hills Outlook!

Among them, I won Best Director (Gold) for Le Marquis de la Croix, Best Actress (Gold) for Dead But Dreaming, and Barbazul won Best Film (Gold). I really could not be more pleased! You can see all of them at this link right here.

It was wonderful to share that with the people who make everything happen, who believe in what we do, and put their hearts and souls into their work with us. I love them dearly.

I'm very excited to start 2014 with even more projects. We'll be shooting the 1880s sequence for Olalla, including the big scene, it looks like Jac Avila has an adaptation of the Marquis de Sade's Justine in the works, Erix Antoine has a great script we'll be shooting (I finally get to kick ass in an action movie!), there's a good chance I might be heading into the jungle to shoot something (huge insects! pretty birds!), I have a script for a horror film, and I'm making a horror short in collaboration with some PollyGrinders.

This year is ending well.

This is fantastic!

---

1 For my non-English-speaking readers (who may be using Google Translate) "suck" = bad (mal)^↩

---

 

Nonsensical ledge, be gone!
I will take out my wrath upon thee.

2 100 painful pages of the ups and downs of that story could be put right here. It would read like a horror soap opera.

The past few days I've been really angry, and didn't know why. I gave it some thought, and realized that this time last year was the last time I saw my father alive. I think he recognized me, he smiled a lot. I felt guilty for not doing more. I still feel guilty, even though everyone tells me I did a great job with him. Someday, I wish to feel at peace about that.

I cried, I smashed a ledge off of a wall that didn't need to be there. I feel better now. And have about 5 inches more space in that room. ^↩

---

Barbazul in Las Vegas, baby!

3 I just realized that I'm a silly person for not writing about the PollyGrind Film Fest before now?! Chad Clinton Freeman has organized pure AWESOME there in LV! I went for the entire 5 days, watched tons of films, had my picture taken with Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (Dyanne Thorne), was completely dazzled by the weirdness of Las Vegas (my 2nd visit), and most importantly, connected with a bunch of very cool people. It's what a film festival should be, well-organized, well-curated, lots of fun. I got to Q&A after the screening of Barbazul for a whopping 25 minutes, probably to the utter consternation of the kind director, Chad, who had another film scheduled after mine. I loved every minute of PollyGrind... except for that wicked hangover I had one day out of the five. But, I cured it by watching more films.^↩

That's yours truly with Dyanne Thorne and Howard Maurer of "Ilsa" fame. Pretty sweet.

Fantastic Review of Le Marquis de la Croix in the Beverly Hills Outlook!

Mila Joya and Jac Avila in Le Marquis de la Croix

"(Le Marquis de la Croix)... is a master class in film direction, courtesy of Hesketh herself.". Nice! Right?

You can read the full review by clicking right here!

I'm very pleased with this review, it really could not be better. A big thank you to Charles Lonberger for this. Quite frankly, he understands my films 100%.

Haven't gotten your copy of the movie yet? You can find the DVD Here, or the Download Here!

A fabulous review of Barbazul will be coming out in the same publication very soon, I can't wait to share the link!

An Interview, and Review of Le Marquis de la Croix

What was in that tea?

I am so pleased to see today that an interview with yours truly about Le Marquis de la Croix has been published on Obscure DVD and Video Blog!

But that's not all, there's a fantastic review of Le Marquis de la Croix there as well, in which I'm again called the "female Jess Franco", and Jac Avila is compared to the late Klaus Kinski!

To read the interview with moi click here!

To read the fabulous review, click here!

Mila Joya and Jac Avila in Le Marquis de la Croix

Death, Maleficarum, Reviews, Olalla

As some of you may already know from my posts on Facebook, my father passed away not long ago. Although I was supposed to be prepared for it, I wasn't. So, I took an emergency trip up to the great white North, saw friends and family, and slogged through a bunch of bureaucratic paperwork. Why does death involve so much paperwork? Incredible.

Robert Louis Stevenson, my new BF

I'm back in the South now, where the water goes down the drain the other way, and am getting back to the project at hand, my next movie, Olalla, in the midst of mourning. My next movie involves death. And a strange family.

I was perusing the interwebs and found that someone had written a review about Maleficarum recently on horrornews.net. You can read it right here!

I also received some spectacular reviews of Le Marquis de la Croix and Barbazul from the Beverly Hills Outlook, which will be published this year. Here are a couple of excerpts below:

Le Marquis> "This intense and focused Bolivian production, handsomely mounted by Amy Hesketh and Jac Avila with just the right visual accents and splashes of color for Decadent Cinema, is a master class in film direction, courtesy of Hesketh herself."

Wow, "masterclass in film direction", thanks!

Barbazul> "This Latinization of Bluebeard is the most successful adaptation of that fairy tale to the cinema to date, as, in it, cineaste Amy Hesketh subtly expands her thematics from her already established central concern of Control (of one being over another) to Complicity."

Again, seriously, thanks!

A bit of Inspiration

Olalla also includes themes of Control and Complicity. I do seem to like those themes, don't I? I'm also including Incest, Genetics, Vampirism, the Victorian, and the Gothic. Just to round things out.

More Inspiration

Review of Barbazul by Dean Andersson on IMDB

What joy to wake up this morning and find a great review of Barbazul (Bluebeard) by the renowned horror writer Dean Andersson on IMDB!

Here's the link to the original or you can read it here below:

Amy Hesketh's BARBAZUL is an effective horror film of great style and insight that would give Hannibal Lecter the creeps!, 12 February 2013

Author: C Dean Andersson

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

One of the love scenes in Barbazul

Based upon the classic serial killer horror of Bluebeard, BARBAZUL presents a new and chillingly effective original version of the tale. Jac Avila skillfully plays Barbazul/Bluebeard with a charming sophistication that seduces innocent and worldly victims alike. As the advertising promo for the film says, he loves women, he just can't stop killing them. And some of those murders in the film are written, staged, and directed by Hesketh in such a way that they crawled under my horror movie radar and jumped me from the inside. I have seen so many scary movies, but the kind that play it easy, using gore and jump-out-at-you scenes, fade as soon as the film is through. Others, like the suspense classics of Hitchcock or the shadowy mood pieces produced by Val Lewton, slip up on you and instead of making you react by looking away, keep you watching, even when it begins to feel like you are intruding on something very private that you would really rather not see. But then it's too late. You saw. It's in your mind. And it keeps coming back to you at odd moments the next day, and afterward. It is obvious Hesketh impressed me, again.

Amy Hesketh's character getting the treatment in Barbazul

Each of her films thus far, Le Marquis de la Croix and Sirwiñakuy, have been a unique and strong example of how entertaining artistic films that break the mold and defy convention can be. Being a writer myself, of course I credit the way Hesketh creates the underlying story with how effective the work becomes. And her character in BARBAZUL is a writer whose demise is every writer's nightmare! "Come on, just give me another minute to finish this, I'm almost done, just a moment more, don't interrupt me right now, come back later, let me finish!" It is a diabolical scene for a writer to watch. But at least, all of us who have been interrupted while trying to write do not, hopefully, have happen to us what Hesketh has happen to her character! And then, of course, it gets worse.

Beto Lopez as the sinister butler, Walter

All of the actors turn in excellent performances. Jac Avila's stylish interpretation of Bluebeard was aristocratic and cultured even as the sociopath within him does cold-blooded Evil, reminding me of Vincent Price's best performances. Roberto Lopez's Walter is one of the creepiest butlers on film, sinister without being overt, very subtle and effective, one of those "there's something wrong here but nothing I can put my finger on so it's probably just my imagination, but--" kind of things...if there were an anti-Batman, this is the anti-Alfred,or even more, "Klove" in the second Christopher Lee Dracula film Hammer Films made, Dracula Prince of Darkness. Come tothink of it, this could almost have been Bluebeard Prince of Darkness!

The very long journey

Mila Joya as Soledad

The ride to get to Barbazul's plantation (castle) over the twisting, turning road (like the one leading to Castle Dracula) emphasizes how far from any kind of help the women he takes there are. And the countryside through which the road passed reminded me of the beautiful, vast emptiness of the high desert of Northern Arizona where I once lived. Mila Joya's innocent and noble character totally sells her growing unease and alarm as she becomes more and more aware that she has been trapped by a monster (like Jonathan Harker in Castle Dracula!--and it just occurred to me that Hesketh's Dracula, if she ever chooses to do one, might finally nail Stoker's classic better than anyone ever has...). Another "victim," convincingly portrayed by Veronica Paintoux as an aggressive and worldly counterpart to Joya's character's helpless innocence, makes you believe she can damn-well take care of herself, which makes it even worse, for her, when she suddenly discovers that, no, not really, she can't handle Barbazul, either.

Veronica Paintoux as Annabelle

Original music by Brad Cantor and La Negra Figueroa added just the right touch to the film, reminding me, somewhat, in the best way of a Goblin score for an Argento classic. Finally, "Superb" does not really do this film justice. "Eros and Thanatos" writ large might be a better description, "Sex and Death," "Beauty and Horror," like the face of the great Barbara Steele's "Muriel" at the end of NIGHTMARE CASTLE, or the visage of the Norse Goddess Hel, half beautiful and seductively alive, half dead and nightmarishly decayed. In BARBAZUL, you can't have one without the other, see? As if you'd want to, right? And one extra bonus--if you happen to have seen Richard Burton's portrayal of Bluebeard in that famous old film, Jac Avila will finally make Burton's face stop flashing into your mind at the mention of the name, "Bluebeard." So, in addition to this great new film, thank you, Amy and Jac, for that!

Jac Avila as Barbazul, effectively erasing Burton's face from your memory

Le Marquis de la Croix, a review by Dean Andersson

Dean has been so very wonderful in his reviews of Maleficarum and Sirwiñakuy, and now he has turned his literary hand to a review of Le Marquis de la Croix. It's simply marvelous, and you can see it on IMDB right here or read it below!

Dean has been so encouraging with these reviews, and I'm really glad we connected. In an abundance of reciprocity he has sent me several of his amazing books, which I am reading now and will comment on in different posts here on my blog, so stay tuned!

You can Download Le Marquis or Buy the DVD at VermeerWorks!

Amy Hesketh creates pull-no-punches art undared by ordinary filmmakers., 15 December 2012

Author: C Dean Andersson

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Amy Hesketh's Le Marquis de la Croix impressed me on many levels. Her extraordinary, pull no punches approach to filmmaking creates stories the timid would never dare and the ordinary could never conceive.

Le Marquis de la Croix captures a pure essence of the Marquis DeSade's defiant, revolutionary writings. Its challenging subtexts worked subconscious magic to remind me both of a personal experience of death and the disturbingly innocent opening scene in Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch where "innocent" children gleefully torture a scorpion.

Hesketh gives the reality of a single death more potent impact than a hundred slash and burn action film deaths shown in forget-'em quick video cuts, sudden, violent, and gone. Yes, prolonged violence in the form of torture causes death in Le Marquis de la Croix, but that death is shown to be defiantly slow in coming. It forces viewers to realize that, given the chance, Life makes Death work hard for its victory, the way I remember death coming to a friend at whose bedside I once waited.

Jac Avila's chilling performance as the Marquis makes clear the imprisoned aristocrat's clinical detachment as he scientifically records his observations of the young woman's suffering. But in contrast, Avila also drives home the intimate involvement of a torturer with his victim.

Mila Joya's Zinga is poignantly believable as the helpless victim whose initial hope that she can escape public execution by surviving the Marquis' private depredations slowly fades, forcing her to reluctantly accept that death alone awaits her, an end to all her hopes and dreams, an outcome not unlike that of the doomed protagonist at the end of DeSade's Justine.

Another nice touch is Hesketh's selection of background music, including the ironic choice of an historical chant-song voiced by revolutionary French peasant-citizens while they executed aristocrats—as the sadistic aristocrat in her film executes his peasant-victim.

But wait! There's more! Hesketh adds a wonderful and unexpected Twilight Zone ending that would make Rod Serling proud. In an IMDb review of Hesketh's film, Sirwiñakuy, I compared her direction to Hitchcock's, who famously appeared in cameos in his films. Hesketh does more than a mere cameo in Le Marquis de la Croix. Her performance in the framing sequences at the beginning, middle, and end makes dear Uncle Alfred's cameos pale by comparison and zaps viewers with a viewpoint revelation, casting the entire cinematic narration into an unexpected context.

Then, too, there is a commentary track by Hesketh and Avila that you can activate, containing fascinating, informative, and entertaining information.

I have no idea what Amy Hesketh is going to create next, but folks, if you've got any sense left at all, you'll fight me for first place in line to see!

1st Review of Le Marquis de la Croix

Le Marquis de la Croix

Bolivia 2012
produced by
Amy Hesketh, Jac Avila, Roberto Lopez L. for Decadent Cinema
directed by Amy Hesketh
starring Mila Joya, Jac Avila, Amy Hesketh, Eric Calancha
written by Amy Hesketh

review by
Mike Haberfelner (re)searchmytrash.com

A young tourist (Amy Hesketh) stumbles into a museum dedicated to the (long deceased) Marquis de la Croix (Jac Avila). She catches the guide (Eric Calancha) depicting the last years of the Marquis, when he was held in solitary confinement - well, solitary confinement in theory at least, actually, against a healthy sum of bribe money, he was given an endless supply of beautiful young condemned-to-death female convicts to torture and kill at his leisure ...
The Marquis's latest victim is Zynga (Mila Joya), a young gipsy who might be innocent of the crime she has been accused of, but her innocence only attracts the Marquis all the more to her, as he forces her to fellate him. whips her, strips her naked, puts her on the rack, humiliates her in every way imaginable, and whips her some (well, a lot) more, until he has broken her spirit and she begins to feel her torture and humiliation as normal and accepts him as her master. And then he crucifies her ...
Of course, this story can't be verified or falsified, as it only exists in the Marquis's memoirs, which might be 100% made up. Then again, this could happen to everybody, even our young tourist ...

One thing up front: Le Marquis de la Croix is not a film for everybody, as it doesn't shy away from showing exactly what it's talking about - which means you see a naked woman being tortured and humiliated, a lot. And while Mila Joy does look just gorgeous in the nude, you might not want to see her treated that way ... but on the other hand, at the end of the day, this is just a movie of course.
With the obvious out of the way, Le Marquis de la Croix, despite its very graphic content, is more than just mere torture porn, as in its off-screen narration (by the Marquis himself) it mines the de Sade-like philosophy of its villain and gives fascinating insights into his depraved mind - but in a twisted way that reminds one of Nietzsche's "if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
So once again, this film isn't for everybody - but if you can stomach it, it's also a quite fascinating little film.

Oh, and if my review at all got you interested, you may want to get the movie from here:http://movies.vermeerworks.com or http://vermeerworks.com/store/dvds/

review © by Mike Haberfelner

The release of Le Marquis de la Croix

So the day is fast approaching for the release of Le Marguis de la Croix. But... you ask... when will that be?  October 31st. Yes, Halloween, one calender year to the date of the release of Maleficarum!

And since everyone has been so patient, I have a trailer for you. It's on youtube, so we had to conform to their strict policies. No worries,  there will be an uncensored trailer up on VermeerWorks very soon!

Obscure Video and DVD Blog: INTERVIEW WITH AMY HESKETH

After a really nice review of Maleficarum appeared in Obscure Video and DVD Blog back in July, he was nice enough to ask me to do an interview as well. You can read it on his blog or right here below!

INTERVIEW WITH AMY HESKETH

Amy Hesketh, not many know the name that read this blog, but she is a very talented and beautiful young woman who starred in a film I reviewed here called Maleficarum, about the Peruvian Inquisition and it has developed into my most read review and has made traffic to this site triple.
My blog deals with older movies, cult films,a few newer low budget gems and the like, but Maleficarum struck me as a cross between Jess Franco films and the witch finder films of the 60's and 70's.
I consider Amy a very "Jess Franco" type director with a similar vision (I hope she doesn't mind me saying that).
Amy was very kind to link the review to other sites and I decided to see if I could do a small interview about her and her other projects.
Here, below are the results of that request and some interesting pics of her upcoming projects.
WARNING: THE PICS CONTAIN NUDITY....


I know you were shown the movie Fright Night with Roddy McDowell when
you were six,
but are there other films of that genre that you like and got you
interested in movies?


Four films that I saw when I was younger are Return to Oz (1985), Warlock (1989), Tale of a Vampire (1992), and Boxing Helena (1993). I realize that it's a bit strange that three of these films feature Julian Sands... I also realize that some of these are not movies for young people. My dad was great about not censoring my viewing, he let me watch what I wanted. These movies made a big impact on me. I realized very young that horror, violence, obsession, sex, art, and perversion were the "good stuff" in movies. I think my work features a healthy dose of the "good stuff".

What kind of film would you ultimately like to direct?


I'm so happy to have the freedom to write and direct almost any movie that tickles my fancy, I have several scripts and ideas on the burner for the next few years. Eventually I would like to be able to obtain the film rights to a rather famous book that was slated to go into the public domain last year and didn't.




Can you give us a little info on the movie you are now directing
called Le Marquis de la Croix, such as when it will be released?


Le Marquis de la Croix and Barbazul I directed in 2011and they'll both be released this year, Le Marquis will be direct to DVD/VOD in the Fall, and Barbazul will debut in Bolivian theaters October 11th.

Le Marquis de la Croix is inspired by the writings of the Marquis de Sade. The film features a man who is writing in prison, played by Jac Avila.. It's implied that le Marquis was locked up for obscenity. He pays for a young woman, a gypsy, Zinga, played by Mila Joya, to be brought to his cell. He writes about and commits all kinds of atrocities to her. It's intense. I really tried to bring the writings of de Sade to life in this movie in a very graphic way. At the same time, I wanted to keep it a bit fun, a bit campy, old-timey exploitation, done in a post-modern way, with a sprinkling of social commentary. I think I succeeded in doing all of that.

Barbazul (Bluebeard), is based on the children's story by Charles Perrault about a man (with a blue beard) who kills his wives. He's a serial killer. This, again, is a very graphic movie in terms of violence and nudity. It seemed as though other movies made about Bluebeard skimmed over the more intense elements of the story. There was a hole in the cinematic trajectory of Bluebeard. I'm not one to squander an opportunity so I made Barbazul much in the fashion of the 1960's/70's Italian exploitation horror flicks of yesteryear but, like I do, went farther with the "good stuff". It's a tense and terrifying movie, but has enough (very) dark humor to appeal to a wider audience.






 

Have you always wanted to both act and direct or does one interest you
more than the other?


I started taking acting classes when I was 6 years old and I've wanted to direct since I was about 10 or 11 years old . Both have their value and interest to me. Being on both sides of the camera makes it easier for me to ask for more from my actors and to understand what they're going through. I've acted in difficult roles and done extraordinary things, so when I tell them to do something that may sound a bit crazy I'm pretty sure my actors think "Well, at least I don't have to sit on a wooden horse for 5 hours like you did!". One actress told me straight out that it's amazing that I think up these crazy ideas for movies and everyone just goes along with me like what we're doing is normal. Like the Pied Piper of Crazy Art Movies. I doubt anyone who works with me would want to continue to do so if I made "normal" movies, they would think I had completely lost my mind.


What are your five favorite movies of all time and why?


Well, if I can only choose five...there are so many more that are not on the list below.

Pretty much all of the movies I love have one thing in common, a depiction of the point when the personality is stripped away and something is revealed beneath: the animal, instinctual, something sick or undefined. It's what I explore in my own movies. Call it an obsession.

1)The Night Porter (1974). Dirk Bogard and Charlotte Rampling, two amazing actors in a very sexy film. It's audacious, crazy, wonderful. I would love a role like Charlotte's. Dirk Bogard in a Nazi uniform gives me a frisson.
2)Le Mepris (1963) Brigitte Bardot in what I perceive to be her most revealing role. I have a thing for the miserable, lost and existential.
3)Jules et Jim (1962) Weird threesome, dark, existential, what's not to like?
4)Weekend (1967) In my opinion, Godard's most important film. It also embodies the spirit of film-making for me.
5)Antichrist (2009) When I saw this in the theater in NYC, half of the audience walked out. I was leaning forward in ecstasy, hoping it would be 8 hours long.
 
 


My blog is usually about off the wall and older films yet Maleficarum
seems, at least to the people who read it to fit right in. How do you
feel about that and account for it?

I'm very glad that Maleficarum fits into your blog as we admire the movies you write about here. Maleficarum, as well as the other films that we make, is made in the style of the older audacious exploitation films of yesteryear. Those films were shocking in their day, and our films are shocking now. We take those older films as inspiration and build upon that, going farther with the "good stuff". Essentially we make the movies we, ourselves, would like to see, but can't find because they don't otherwise exist.

Maleficarum is interesting to viewers in many different ways, historically because we use actual transcripts of testimonies from the Peruvian Inquisition (it's amazing to think that people really said these things), in terms of how we graphically show the tortures as realistically as possible, no holds barred, and the story arc of the victims, the sad tale that it is.


Where eventually do you want your acting career to go?

I plan to keep pushing myself until I burn out... joking! I want to get to a point in which I've acted in every role imaginable, a point in which I can say, "you did good, kid". It could be a long time from now.





Is a sequel to Maleficarum planned?

We haven't planned a sequel to Maleficarum, however we may touch upon the theme of the Inquisition in a film again. We've had so many emails and messages requesting just that, it would be hard to let people down. ;)






I know from very personal experience that I get a rush from making a
movie. Do you have the same feelings when acting and directing?

It's the best! I get more of a rush from writing and directing a film than acting. Standing behind the camera when the actors do something really good, when the scene comes to life right there in front of you, pretty much exactly how you imagined it, is thrilling. Acting is more complicated for me. The characters I tend to play, having to enter into the soul of another and leave myself behind is draining. When I watch the dailies and see I did a good job, that's when I get a good feeling from acting.

An exception might be some scenes in Maleficarum. There was adrenalin involved when we shot the roasting scene. A lot of adrenalin. I was scared out of my mind. That's a kind of rush I guess.

My recent role in Diego Torres' experimental film La Montaña Interior was an exception as well. To have to hike up to about 5000 meters (16,000 feet), shoot some scenes, then take my shirt off in front of a glacier (a glacier!), shoot that scene before the clouds came in, and then go back down. That was a rush. More from the extreme cold than anything else...  

I gave myself a lead role (which I normally don't do) in my new film Olalla, inspired by the story by Robert Louis Stevenson. That could be a rush, and an opportunity for catharsis.



I hope you enjoyed this small little interview with someone whom I think will go BIG places.
Maybe I should have Amy in my next project? A huge thanks to Amy for the pictures in the interview.
 

The art of suffering, or suffering for one's art.

Mariana looks up at her lover in torment.

I was looking at a series of vidcaps from the movie Maleficarum today and it hit me how much I suffer in that film. Yeah, yeah, it's not like I didn't realize it before, but I really cry a lot in that movie. And it made me think about suffering as an actor and the suffering of artists in general and whether we really have to suffer for our art or if it makes us suffer inherently.

Those are real tears people.

In my case, it is my choice, not only do I write and direct films with a dark slant to them, but I act in them as well. This means that I have to delve deep into my inner darkness rather frequently.

Some may ask why I would want to do that at all, ever. People don't want to feel bad? Right? We want to feel happy, like, all the time, and I'm no different. Feeling bad is not the goal of most, at least consciously.

But suffering in art is so different from suffering in real life.

When we were shooting Le Marquis de la Croix, I found out that my father had been diagnosed with fronto-temporal dementia, that he was having hallucinations about a man upstairs in his house, whom he claimed was trying to kill him, he couldn't articulate very well, and he could no longer do various things for himself.  It was difficult maintaining my concentration during the remainder of the production, I felt like I was holding myself together with my own arms. When we wrapped on Le Marquis de la Croix, I went to Maine and spent 6 weeks assessing the situation, putting my dad in assisted living, dealing with his estate and living the horror that is having a parent with such a disease.

That looks like some dirt there too.

Before all that happened, I played the part of Jane in my second movie, Barbazul, who does not exactly have a happy ending. And I played Mariana de Castro in Maleficarum, who has it decidedly hard.

This is a sad scene.

Francisca doesn't seem to be waking up.

Suffering for a part in a movie is something that requires an actor to reach deep inside themselves and pull out the most horrifying moment they ever experienced.

For Mariana in Maleficarum, I had to summon up those moments, it was difficult, I had to think about the moments in my life when I've suffered, the moments when I've felt real fear (there were some moments in the shooting when I was actually afraid, like the roasting scene). In the end, I went deep into fear itself, the one that lives in our primitive brain, for my motivation.

For Jane in Barbazul, I had to imagine what it would be like to be murdered by a serial killer. When I was directing the other actresses, I actually cried silently while we were shooting one of the scenes. If you don't believe me, you can ask Miguel, the cinematographer, he saw me.

A day of shooting scenes like that left me with the impression that the world was falling apart at the seams. When you go so far into an emotion, it stays with you, it's like a thin invisible cloth that covers you, enveloping you in sadness. Hot showers and chocolate were mandatory after those days.

And now, now that I've experienced real suffering, and I'm on the verge of playing another very tragic role, I feel... not reluctant, but like I have more to work with.

Acting is about transmuting feelings into a performance. So, now that I have the opportunity again, I'm glad to be able to do that. Who, in the passage of normal, everyday life has the chance to transmute, or transform their feelings into something else? As strange as it may seem in the context of having to suffer, I feel lucky to be able to do that.

Mariana questions all this.

Realization,  hopelessness.

For me, it's like a kind of art therapy. I'm not sure how I would deal with those feelings otherwise.

In transforming suffering into art, I free myself from suffering, I can look at my performance from a place of strength. I feel proud of what I have done, and when it touches others, I feel even more proud to have given a strong performance.

I'm always writing about transformation, it seems, but as an actor, a writer, a director, I transform myself or others into something else on a constant basis. I think this is one of the more important roles of artists in society; we can speak for the soul.

Mariana is pretty convinced this is her fault.

At this point, you might be nodding your head, or thinking I'm a nut, but either way, art has made its way into most peoples' lives in one way or another. Art can also help us escape, like in a potboiler novel. Or it can entertain, or make us think, or feel something, or come to a greater understanding of beauty, or darkness. Art can help us find beauty or humor in that very darkness.

So, am I looking forward to suffering next year? Sure am. Pain has a place in the life of an artist as does its opposite happiness, because we can give it back in a different form, give it over to others. Artists should be givers, even if what we give is not pleasant to look at, it has a purpose.

That's a wrap...again!

It's my birthday today and I've been thinking a lot on everything that's happened in the past year, the wonderful people I've met online, in real life, and finding the talented people I work with. The cooperation and encouragement I've received from friends, collaborators and fans has helped me to achieve my goals this past year!

I just wrapped on my third movie as writer/director, Le Marquis de la Croix, and I'm looking forward to shooting my next movie soon. Barbazul is being editing and Sirwiñakuy is being released this month on DVD and download. Incredible!

It has been a year of growth and learning for me and I am grateful to be alive right now, in this moment and doing the things I really want to do.

Sometimes life feels like an uphill battle, fears hold us down and get in the way of our goals and dreams. But this birthday, I feel that I have to try more than ever to realize my dreams.

So, more about Le Marquis de la Croix, which we wrapped on Saturday April 30th. We had a very long day shoot, from 10AM until 8PM. I love days like that, when at the end, you're incredibly tired and you've finished something. You feel like you've really accomplished something. In this case, my third movie.

The last shot we did was very complicated, but Miguel Canedo, cinematographer extraordinaire, pulled it off with his usual excellence. It's just a really super shot to end the film. Of course I can't tell you what it is, you'll have to see the movie.

Mila Joya, the star of Le Marquis, was amazing, she completely understood my concept, and she put up with all of the nasty things I had for her character, like eating bread off of the floor. Can I just repeat how awesome she is?! Every time I work with her it's a great experience, I can't imagine making a movie without her!

Some parties will get after me for making a movie like Le Marquis. They're going to be angry because a woman is making a campy "exploitation" film, in the footsteps of Jess Franco, Roger Corman, Jean Rollin, and others. Personally I feel that there could be more campy post-modern "exploitation" movies, films that have a little fun with the dark side, that don't take themselves so seriously. That go just a bit farther than their predecessors.

The support that I've received for this concept has been astounding. Thank you all!